On September 1st I woke up to my fourth miscarriage.
While I waited for my name to be called for my ultrasound I felt so utterly alone. For the past three weeks we had a secret. Everywhere I went I was never alone. There was a six and a half week old heartbeat that was growing right underneath my own.
This time it was different. I had made it over two and half weeks longer then the first three. I had let some of my usual guards down, I had let myself dream of Christmas with a big belly, of Evelyn’s hands excitedly resting on my belly as little kicks were felt, and of the first time we’d see the little gummy bear on the screen in only a few weeks. I’d allowed myself the secret joys of those first few weeks. I had created a space in my prayer journal, just for this little life. And in it I wrote scriptures over that heartbeat, over those little limbs that were beginning to form.
But I was still cautious. I have a journal that I write notes in to baby so that one day when he or she is old they can read through them and know the deep love that is formed in a momma’s heart at the first sight of those two pink lines. But I hadn’t written in it yet.
I sat in the office and waited for my name, trying so hard to make big eyes so no tears would fall. I cried out in prayer, yet again, for comfort, and to feel His presence all around me.
Dear reader, I did not feel alone.
In the midst of this storm the hardest part is just that, that we feel so alone. So many women that I have shared this with say that they know what I have experience because they have as well. So let’s talk about it.
Let’s talk about it so that if you go through it to you know you are not the only one.
Let’s talk about so that you can find comfort in knowing it is much more common than you think.
So that you know you are not broken.
So that you know God has a plan.
Our next step is some serious blood work to see what is going on. We are waiting for my Beta hcg levels to return to normal before we can begin those. It feels good to know that we have a plan.
When you give God your life you are simply saying I am here for Your perfect will. Sometimes His Will looks nothing like your plan. And so we are ready. No, I am ready for whatever tomorrow looks like. Because I know that it is not by my own strength I get through the storm, but by being still and knowing that He is God and the He is good, always.