I want to share a little of our past 9 months of our life.
I write in hopes to encourage, to record and to share what God has been and still is teaching us.
We lost our first little babe 4 1/2 weeks into our first unexpected and unplanned pregnancy last August. It was devastating, I was confused, and lost. The doctor confirmed and shared that there wasn’t anything wrong, this happened to many new moms, many not even realizing. I had realized, it hurt and ached. Tears were shed, but even through it all I wasn’t angry I was just confused. I felt so small, and so often do, because I know there is a plan that is bigger then me that I have decided to be apart of. All I could pray for at that time was peace, I knew I would could not understand. Holding onto Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
The next few months were spent trusting, and daily giving up my rights to understand and take control of life. We flew off to India for two months and were kindly distracted from our life in America and the daily burden it brings. While there I had no pregnancy tests but a later period, very similar to the results of the first pregnancy. Upon returning home in March and we found ourselves about 4 3/4 weeks into a third, planned pregnancy. We lost our second little one days after the first only months before. The shock and emotions that came with this were unbearable for those first few hours. B stayed in bed with me all morning, it was such a blessing to have his silent support and company. The following days and weeks were so much more difficult that the first. This wasn’t supposed to happen again, the doctor had said so. I wasn’t prepared to lose it, or to be stripped of this right to have a healthy baby, start a family. I fought with myself, crying out to God. I had one thing planned for my future and it was babies, it was 3, or 5 and adopting. Loving and pouring every bit of energy into each tiny little life. This was my passion. I thought if there was one thing I ought to get, this was it. I was afraid this time, fear consumed and anger followed. This was out of my control 100% and I had to trust 110% that this God I have said I trust all my life was going to come through with the desires of my heart. I had to accept that His desires were greater then mine, they would complete me more then anything I could dream up. Although I couldn’t understand it I had to find peace in it. This was a daily act, an hourly act, and sometimes an every moment act. It wasn’t something that came naturally. When I became overwhelmed I asked for a spirit of peace, for comfort. I know God has a plan, a great one, and I want to be exactly who that is, no matter the cost even if it means my every earthly want is taken away.
“Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked? In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him.” Ecclesiastes 7:13-14
One month later we were faced with yet another positive test, it took every bit of energy and brain power to take it one day at a time. As each day passed I made it one day closer, then one day past, then three, four… then one week. As I sat in the shower one morning praying over my belly, over a 6 week old baby, tears ran down my face as I told God that above all I want His glory to be shown through this little life. And that no matter what that meant for me as a mom or B as a dad we are here to show His glory. We simply can not understand a God so big, mighty and wonderful. We give up our rights to control every moment of this little life, and will guide it in the ways that our parents guided us.
To write this all down is so refreshing to see how much God can teach in the most challenging of time. How He takes something that is rough and brings you out of it, into the joy of a new morning, a new day. And so…
We are so excited to announce our little baby’s arrival late December, a due date of Christmas day actually! This journey, when looking back, seems so short but God has shown us so much and the first is to trust. Trust His timing but even bigger is to trust His plan, and believe in His good and pure purpose for us.
Since this new adventure has begun it is still a challenge everyday to trust God. I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath so long until I saw that little heartbeat, those tiny toes, fingers and body as I sat in the doctors office with B by my side. It is our miracle, I still don’t know if it has sunk in that my baby is inside my tummy. As silly as it sounds when I wake up and have “car sickness” all day, I find peace in it that baby is in there, moving around and getting stronger.